One day I will write a book.
It will top the NY Times best seller list. Plumbers and homeowners from near and far will flock to my seminars. The curriculum for trainee plumbers nationwide will be revised to include my new theory. I will quit my job and tour with the book. I will never have to hire another plumber to work on my house….ever again.
The book will be written based on a theory I have developed after my years of careful study. I will provide examples of my success using this method.
The title of the book will be Plumbing: The Denial Method of Repair.
For the sake of illustration, I will use my yesterday’s success in “repairing” the indoor turn off valve for my outdoor faucet to demonstrate the essential steps of this theory.
1. Discover problem. In this case, a turn off valve that was shut off too tightly and would not open……and started leaking water.
2. Curse your bad luck. This must be done out loud and with emphasis.
3. Curse the person who originally turned off the valve. (skip this step if you did it yourself)
4. Go upstairs and pull out your copy of Reader’s Digest Home Repairs Guide. Study Index in the hopes your exact problem is covered in detail. Put book back on shelf when you can’t find your exact problem in the Index.
5. Go back downstairs and stare up at problem for at least 10 minutes.
6. (Optional step) Curse your bad luck again.
7. Spray WD40 on problem. This step must be followed regardless of nature of problem.
8. Go back upstairs and search This Old House website's Homeowner’s section for your exact problem. Read articles on a number of interesting gardening and decorating topics that have nothing to do with your plumbing problem.
9. Talk to family & friends about your plumbing problem.
10. Bargain with a higher power. Be sincere. Promise your first born if need be.
11. Spend a few hours fretting over how much a plumber is going to charge you to fix said problem.
12. Go into denial. When family & friends ask you about problem, respond “What problem?”
13. Spend at least two days (but up to two months) ignoring problem. If you must pass problem on the way to something else, avert eyes.
14. Finally come to the decision that as a responsible homeowner, something must be done to remedy the situation.
15. Prepare to call plumber. Check calendar to see when you can schedule a visit.
16. One last time go and inspect problem.
17. Be amazed when problem has resolved itself. In my most recent case, turn on valve and notice water has stopped leaking.
18. Brag to all that you repaired your own plumbing. Be a little fuzzy on the details on how you accomplished this. Vaguely allude to tools when you tell the story.
19. Say short prayer that problem will not resurface anytime soon.
20. Give advice to others based on your success.